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English Bangladeshi mixed marriage

 

Hotgirl (a white English girl) here tells the story of her marriage to M., a Bangladeshi guy, and his family's response.

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Hotgirl’s story

 

"Let me fill you in so that you can understand how it often is- my story is NOT unique.

My husband, ‘M’ left home to live with me when I was pregnant, til then his family had no idea about me.

The day he moved in his brother rang (M had stupidly left his mobile at their house so that they couldn’t contact him, forgetting to delete my number. I lied for M who didn’t want to talk to anyone and said he wasn’t there.

An hour later his sister rang. I felt it wrong to lie, and thought we would achieve nothing towards acceptance if no effort was made on our side, but I lied again that he was not there. They then asked if they could come around to see me, knowing he wouldn’t be there.

I was terrified, after hearing about things like honour killings etc., but I agreed to his mum, sister and brother coming around to speak to me. He went out before they came.


His mum cried in my living room, begged me to get him to call her. She tried to explain it wasn’t prejudice, it was just wanting what they thought was best for their son. She said even if I were a Muslim it wouldn’t help because I couldn’t be the "right kind of Muslim" (never found out YET what that means!!) Anyway, I had this for 3 hours. They finally left and M came home. It took another good few hours to convince him he should call his mum, who begged and pleaded for him to go over to the house whilst the dad was out to speak to her. She promised she absolutely wouldn’t try to force him to change his mind.

 

He refused, so again I convinced him it could help them accept if he just did as they asked. He went later that evening when his dad went to work. He came back later feeling very relieved, his dad had come home whilst he was there (surprise surprise) and everyone had had a ‘change of heart’. They decided they would accept his decision, it was gods will. They would support him, help us buy a house near them and wouldn’t interfere by coming round all the time. They were even saying they would help us get married because it was wrong not being married when I was pregnant.

The shock was so great at this news that we both believed it, but within hours (after the adrenaline rush had died down) I thought it was too sudden, too quick, there’s no way they could have had such a MASSIVE change of heart so quickly.

His dad was short staffed without him at work and didn’t ask for his help, but I told him to offer it anyway because it wasn’t right to leave him in the shit. So for the next few nights he was back to working for his dad and coming home to me, it was actually becoming pretty convincing.

THEN they started suggesting he visit his grandparents, they were sick, his brother was over there so he would be ok especially since no one had been told what had happened yet, they said once everyone in the village found out he wouldn’t be able to go back so he should go one last time JUST for 2 weeks.

Now my husband is a lovely man and sees the best in everyone (mostly) so never suspected anything. Alarm bells rang immediately for me, but he wouldn’t listen, wouldn’t believe they would keep him there against his will, they knew how important uni was etc.

They lied saying they had already begun looking for a house, even shown him the one they pretended to have selected (it was for the other brother, it turned out, as he was about to have an arranged marriage which we didn’t know then).

I tried everything to get him to see but he couldn’t or wouldn’t. He even got his mum to call me and reassure me. I felt like a paranoid fool by this time, like I was being crazy, so I gave him my blessing and agreed.

 

BIG, HUGE MISTAKE!!

 

He didn’t come back. They lied about where he was, wouldn’t even say they had heard from him. He was kept from calling me though he had promised, no matter what, that he would- I thought something had happened to him, thought there had been an accident (roads there are terrible and accidents common)

he got a letter to me asking for help, they wouldn’t let him return. I got foreign office to help, they got him home and the family called, AGAIN I got him to speak to them, in fact whenever they have called I have had to convince him he should make all the effort, he and I have been slapped in the face for every effort we have made, its been 5 years now since this happened and 2 aunties in the whole of his massive family bother with him, they even invite me and treat me very well.

Where our daughter is concerned, M isn’t too bothered actually about her learning both cultures, and does it mostly because I feel its important. I think one day he will be glad though, he is still very hurt by what his family have done to him (its only been 5 years since it all happened, the abduction and subsequent abandonment I mean). You know, the worst of it is that every now and then they would call and see if he wanted to change his mind, while I’m sitting there next to him. He never wanted to accept those phone calls, I always made him because I wanted them to work it out. I stay out of it now, but I’m not letting my little girl lose out on that part of her, she isn’t going to lose any of her culture, I’m not having that. She will be a better person without that lot anyway

 

To conclude, I'm sorry but you either tolerate or you don’t, end of story. It doesn’t matter what minority you are, or even if you are the majority. Bigotry is bigotry. You can paint it up and call it fancy names but people who abuse their child emotionally by threats, abandonment or abduction over a mixed relationship are bigoted.

It’s almost as if it’s an excuse for blatant displays of racism. Protection of culture is understandable, but to protect to the detriment of others INCLUDING your own flesh and blood is nothing but destructive of that beloved culture.

M and I can do our best to help our daughter understand that culture and the good in it, but what do we say when she asks about his family, why they don’t see her?

How’s their culture going to look to her?

She is more likely to turn against it than to wish to be a part of any of it, I hope not, I hope she will see all Bengali people aren’t like M’s family, but who can blame her if she did feel that way?


You can talk about how we should accept that parents want their kids to marry someone of their own culture/religion, that’s fine, no one’s disagreeing with you. They do not have the right to IMPOSE that will at anyone’s detriment though. Its how they deal with the situation that defines them, not the colour of the skin or their religion. That goes across the board.

 

 

 

 

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