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English Pakistani mixed couple

Genuine story of a relationship between a white British atheist guy and a British Pakistani Muslim girl. Their relationship was forced to end.

 

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Asarualim’s story

 

The whole situation started about 4 years ago. I met a girl called N- on a chat site and we became quite friendly, started emailing each other, etc. and fairly quickly arranged to meet up. She was a Pakistani muslim, but born in this country. She claimed to be quite devout and had not too long before taken to wearing the scarf, although when she met up with me she had already removed the scarf and got changed into more western clothes as she said her parents wouldn't have let her out if she wasn't covered up.

On meeting we got on really well and arranged to see each other again the following weekend. This time I offered to drive her home but she said that wasn't possible as her parents would flip and she became quite upset. She also told me that she ws arranged to be married to her cousin from Pakistan, buit that the engagement was made a long time ago when she was 12) and that she didn't want to go through with it. Despite her beleif that her parents wouldn't accept me, I was still confident that I could win them over should I get the opportunity. This was probably naivety on my part but based on the fact that I've never had any problems with parents of any of my previous girlfriends becasue I'm basically a nice person at heart and people generally warm to me. We carried on the relationship for about 2 1/2 years, seeing each other on the weekends while she was telling her parents that she was off to a part time job when she was coming to see me and talking on the phone practically every night (again, she had to do this in secret). As well as keeping her relationship secret from her family, she also kept it secret from all bar one of her friends (who I actually met at one point we and got on with quite well).

As our relationship got more serious we decided that it couldn't carry on in this way, sneaking around, only seeing each other at weekends, never being able to even spend the night together qnd talk had started up once more about her arranged marriage, so we decided to move in together, or more precisely for N- to move into my flat with me. We planned it for a few weeks time and discussed all the possibilities. I wanted to meet with her parents and introduice myself, hopng I could win them over, but N- thought it would be a bad idea and her father would most likely attack me if I showed up on their doorstep so I conceded to her knowledge of her family and we decided thar N- would just move in to mine in secret.

When the time came I drove round to her area and picked her up, then took her back to the flat. Once back there she sent an email to her sister explaining everything, seeing this was the safest way of letting them know she was OK. We got a reply to this email which really upset her as it said that on hearing the news, her mum had taken ill and was in hospital, at deaths door, and if she didn't come back home she'd never see her family again. She resisted this emotional blackmail for a while, even geting a job near mine and settling in with me. All in all, we had about a week and a half together before her mother was on the phone to her and whatever she said seemed to work. I'm not sure to this day what was said as the conversation was all in Urdu, but it worked. Her family agreed to us seeing each other but only on the condition that she return home, then they could arrange a proper marriage, on condition I converted to islam. for her sake I agreed to this, knowing that it would be lip service only but that I could be convincing if necesary.

So, N- went back home and then they started making it really difficult for us to see each other, telling her lies about me, saying that they'd hired a private detective who'd followed me to the pub and overheard me making jokes about our relationship - despite the fact that for the week they were referring to I'd taken time off work to help N- settle in and spent evey moment with her. So once again we were having to meet in secret, but it was obviously a lot more difficult now that they knew about us. A couple of weeks later her mother came up with a pack of lies about needing to go to Pakistan for medical treatment and that N- had to go with her, again laying on the guilt saying it was N-'s fault for making her ill. During these 2 weeks I tried numerous times to get them to meet me, offering to go wherever they wanted, whenever they wanted, but kept getting turned down. When I heard about the trip to Pakistan I knew straight away what the family were up to and implored N- not to go, but the blackmail had worked and she went to Pakistan with her mother.

On arriving in Pakistan she was taken almost immeadiatley to an Imam at the mosque who told her how bad a person I was because I was not a muslim, how she would have a terrible life with me andd various other lies based on little more than racism and religious prejudice. They kept on at her incessantly for weeks until she finally gave in and agreed to marry her cousin, not knowing if I was still waiting for her back home as they stopped her communicating with anyone back home at all while she was there.

About 3 months after she left for Pakistan she finally came back home, (having missed the final exams for her degree) and we immeadiately started seeing each other again, in secret, despite the fact she was now married, as the relationship meant nothing to her and she wanted to be with me. Unbeknownst to me, her husband then came over from Pakistan but we still kept seeing other. N- later claimed she hadn't told me about her husband coming over because she didnt want to lose me. However, it was all immaterial as once again her parents found out, then called me up and were very threatening, warning that if I came near there daughter I'd be sorry (despite the fact that it was N- travelling the 40 or so miles to me every weekend not the other way round). I tried to draw them on their threats but it ended up in a blazing row with me shouting back at them asking "or else" in response oto their threats. They also kept a close eye on N-, barely allowing her to leave the house, and never alone if she did. Eventually we called an end to it as it was imosible to continue, and after what she'd been through it looked like she'd had all the fight knocked out of her, all the strength of character gone.

Last I heard she'd managed to eventually convince her parents to let her get divorced (after about a year of marriage), her father died and her mother is now trying to set her up with someone else, albeit giving N- a bit more choice, as long as it meets her mum's approval.

Not the happiest story, and probably a common one amongst mixed relationships of this type, but I survived, and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. It did open my eyes to this sort of thing and while I'd still go out with a muslim girl I'd be a lot more wary in future. I'm of the mind that they can't all be like N-'s parents, but the more hear the more common it appears to be.

Anyway, I'm gonna call it a night. Hope my story was interesting for you. Keep up the good work on the website, and if there's anything I can do just ask. I haven't got a huge amount of spare time, but I work in computers so any techy type things I can help with, or in any other way, I'd be more than happy to.

Take care mate.

 

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