Help and Support for Mixed Couples

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Indian Sikh woman / white English man


True story by a Sikh girl whose relationship has been threatened by her family.

 "Its when your own turn their backs on you when you realise that the person you love, who you are scared to be seen with, is the only person who is actually standing there with their arms wide open and accepting and loving you for who you really are and will stand by you for eternity because true love never ends."

K. Kaur’s story

Here is my story. Sorry it’s very long!

…I was 19 years old and T was 20 years old…this is when we started fighting for each other, and our love started…

I come from a single parented family as my dad passed away when I was only ten years old.  So since then it’s been my mum, two older sisters and a younger brother. My mum held a number of jobs to keep the costs moving and like my sisters I was working at the age of 14 so that we could help our mum save for the bills so that she didn’t need to worry about our costs.   

I had always wanted to do well in my education even though I was never the brightest and always took longer to get to the end than others so I go on to university and I knew that I would have to pay all the expenses which I didn’t mind at all as I didn’t know any different.   While I was in my final year of A levels I was looking for a job and one of my friends recommended her work place so I decided to apply for it and was lucky to get the job.

When I started there it was a strange feeling being in a environment where me and my friend where the only Indian people and only coloured people there as the people that all worked there where White English guys and girls as I was always surrounded by Indian people most of my life.   But in one way it was really nice to be able to interact with other cultures and meet new people without feeling paranoid that someone might spread gossip if your seen talking to a guy let alone a white guy.   

So anyway I was really enjoying my work and my studying and coming close to the Christmas season when work colleagues decided they wanted to go out to the pub for our xmas do and that was the first time T spoke to me and we got on like a house on fire so as me and T were organising the night out he asked for my number and I happily gave it thinking nothing into it.   

After that until the night out T and me got closer as friends, we would text each other everyday hundreds of times (we we’re obsessed with each other!) and had been honest from the very beginning, which I think, really made us get closer far.  He randomly asked one day before that night out if I wanted to go out shopping to get a few things and I said yes without even asking my mum, which then really hit me and I didn’t have the guts to tell her so I told her I was going out with my friend who she knew of as me and my friend always walked to college together.   

That was the first time I really got nervous around him I was scared, nervous, excited all at the same time I didn’t even know if he liked me but it was too late for me I really liked him but I never told anyone or made it obvious as I was too scared gossip would spread and it would get back to my family.  Then came the night out and all eyes where on T and me whom I later find out was because he had been telling our colleagues that he really liked me.  I was the only Indian person there, as my friend’s parents said no to her for going out so it was only me but luckily there was the other girls.    

From that night on me and T got on so well and he asked me out on new years eve and I said yes.  After a few dates I didn’t want to hide a very important issue in my life and that was that my family may never except us because of the cultural background differences, but as we had only started going out we didn’t really think of it as a issue as we didn’t know how far we would end up going and telling my family that we we’re together may be a head ache for no reason if later we had broken up, as he had previously dated an Indian girl who had messed him around and ended the relationship just after three months because she couldn’t tell her family and only saw him about four times in that period, so he was no stranger to the situation.   

However both of us had never had a real relationship as girls dated him for his popularity of being a ‘good-looking footballer’ and then ended the relationships after two weeks max.  With me I had one relationship, which was far distance, and I never saw him and when I did we only had time to eat and talk and then he had to head back so I ended that.  After that we both didn’t really get into dating and just enjoyed our lives with friends and family with fun.

When I told T I was going to university and was going to stay in a flat he was so happy because even though he understood why I could only meet up now and then and why everything was a secret he really wanted to be able to go out and do things without having to look over our shoulders all the time like holding hands, cuddles, go on dinner dates, cinemas and so on. Even simple things like these never happened at all because I was so scared to be seen by the local people.   

So I moved into my new flat and he practically moved in with me and he would go work and I would go to lectures and then we would meet in the evening and enjoy our time together.  When we had been going out for a year we both knew that we are made for each other, we are our best friends, lovers and soul mates and then on our 1st anniversary he asked me to marry him and he had brought his and her white gold engagement bands and of course I was out of my mind with happiness and said yes.   

Moving to university allowed us to really become even closer and we shared everything we were like a real family who was finally breathing in their own place, during this time my family still didn’t know anything until I had finished my first year where I got caught not being were I said I was which then I had to tell them that I was with T shopping.   

From then on my sisters got funny with me and without my knowing one of sisters and my mum waited for T in the work car park and came over to his car and threatened him to stay away from me as my sister would get her husband and his mates to ‘sort him out’.  He denied everything and said that him and me were friends.  He then told me and I was furious, as they had no right to treat anyone like that.  They didn’t know I knew until about a year ago when I brought it up and they didn’t know how to reply because they knew they where in the wrong.  

So anyway after that T and me really began to understand how much we loved each other and how deep we were into the situation and the possible outcomes with everything.  He then a couple of months after this incident with my sister was punched in the face at a petrol station for being seen with a Indian girl in his car which we later find out that those guys didn’t even know who I was.

After a couple more months after that I had Indian friends get other guys text me flirty texts and then ring T and say that I was having an affair.   Luckily mine and T’s love has and always be strong and honest and he knew exactly what was happening, since these incidents we haven’t told anyone about our relationship apart from really close friends who have stuck by us as we realised people were always trying to split us up either out of jealously or other reasons.   

Over the few years I had several talks with my mum and told her that T and me really like each other and want to get married and I was told that she would disown me and that my siblings wont ever talk to me again.   

Now my sisters know that T and me like each other and mum knows the same and that we want to get married.  No one in my family however knows that T and me have actually been together since I was 19 and he was 20 years old and this new years eve (Dec 2008) it will be our four year anniversary, and we have never been able to celebrate our anniversary on the date or spend birthdays or other celebrations on the dates they happen and have to celebrate them either before or after, and all this time we have kept it to ourselves.   

Luckily for us T’s parents really like me and are more than willing to take me in as they know of the situation, but leaving a family that I have gone through so much with is a painful thought and feeling.

My family don’t seem to understand how nice he is and its not me being childish and in lust it is the real thing and T has proved that time and time again to them, he participates in my cultural celebrations, supports me in everything I do and still stands by me strong and protects me.   

Proposals have been brought to me and I have rejected them in my heart but never said no until I had a reply form the guys and luckily for me the guys also rejected as they all seem to say there was no connection and only a couple of weeks ago I finally managed to make it clear that I didn’t want any proposals, its so hard for me and it must be hell for T to sit there waiting while I’m forced to meet other guys, but my face and body language always made it clear I wasn’t interested.   

The problem is my family are to worried about what people will say about them and that seems more important to them than seeing one of there own truly happy.

I don’t blame them as that is how they are brought up and the path they wish to follow, but it’s a shame when they try to force others to follow the same path, with force.   

To get were I am today I have suffered mentally, physically and emotionally it has been a roller coaster that hasn’t still stopped, I have suffered from depression, high blood pressure and been anaemic several times, I have self harmed because of being too scared of hurting my family and not wanting to leave the love of my life, T has gone through tough emotional problems, but over the past year and a half T and me have decided that we wont let this happen to us and that we deserve better than this, he has supported me in times when I was really down even being emotionally unstable himself at times he still put me first and has made me a stronger person, we now are each others strength and draw strength from each other.   

My mum now has said that she isn’t bothered with me anymore and I can do what I want and she doesn’t want anything to do with my decisions and if I wish to marry T in the future I can but she will not be happy and will only attend our wedding for the sake of it but my siblings will have nothing to do with me especially my younger brother as he wont even allow me in the house.   

I’m just glad that I know where I stand and that mum would attend my wedding whenever T and me decide to get married even if she wont come happily, as for my siblings that’s their choice and its sad that we may never talk again but that’s still a long time and more importantly I still have final year of university and then the real test of our love starts, as I will have to move back home and work and see how my family react to me then.   

It seems so easy to type it or write it but going through it is not easy at all and I cant stress enough how hard it is, we starting fighting for what we want from a very young age, we still are fighting and we will be fighting until our lives are the best we possibly can make them whether it may mean its with our families by our side or not.   

We go through roller coasters with our emotions and sometimes you get angry at each other because you feel you cant breath or think in your own body, to fight the world because you have fallen in love and not by choice, it just happens and we didn’t choose it, it chose to happen to us.   

We are all smiles on the outside but deep down inside our hearts we have been scared by others just because we are in love, but we wake up every morning we’re not together like in the summer holidays, with a good morning text and end every night with a good night text and know deep down inside our hearts and minds that we are better and stronger than what other people think and we are proving it every single day that we are together.   

Its when your own turn their backs on you when you realise that the person you love, who you are scared to be seen with, is the only person who is actually standing there with their arms wide open and accepting and loving you for who you really are and will stand by you for eternity because true love never ends.   

For me I feel like the luckiest women alive because I have everything I’ve ever wanted in a soul mate to spend the rest of my life with and yes T and me are still as obsessed with each other as we we’re when we first started dating and I still get the butterflies in my stomach every time he touches me and get that warm fuzzy feeling over my body every time I think of him!

Hope you guys now have an idea where I stand, I am stuck in the middle like many of you in following your heart or your honour to the family but as time has moved on especially this year for me my eyes have been opened to many things.   

I’m still going through rough patches and still have many more to go through but it’s the path we choose which we have no control over because like I said we didn’t choose to fall in love it chose us and I realised that if this is the path I must follow then I will take it on happily and enjoy all the good days that I have been given and keep them locked in my heart and let the bad days just move on and lock them out.   

It’s like something someone special said to me “like morning is followed by night, happiness is followed by sadness, its part of life just get on with it because life is too short to be wasted” we are the lucky ones to be given the chance to find true love not everyone gets that chance so enjoy every single second of it.  

On many occasions I thought that my head wouldn’t ever get clear so I could just simply think straight to decide what I want in my life and where to start. I waited three years until last year that time came to me, the same will happen to many of you.

Don’t waste time worrying about what happens when, how, and what if, enjoy the time you have as everything in life has its own way to fall in place, there is a right time for everything…

…I’m 23 years old and T is 24 years old now and we still are fighting, but we are still defiantly in love more than ever.


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