Help and Support for Mixed Couples

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Pakistani Arab mixed couple


True story of a Pakistani Muslim girl and an Arab Muslim guy, and the problems they faced as a mixed couple which eventually caused their relationship to end.



M and J’s Story


The beginning

We met through mutual friends at second year of university. We weren’t close at all, but used to see each other time and time again as we had mutual friends. I used to set him up actually with girls!  We weren’t close or anything, if we saw each other we would say hi but nothing more.

Anyway five years passed by and we kept in touch time to time via MSN, then due to work reasons I had to move to his area.  When I moved down, we decided to meet up to watch the game. When I saw him, he wasn’t the guy I had left back at university, but he still had that smile and sparkle in his eyes. Anyway I ended up chatting to his mates more than him. When the match ended he went off home and I ended up going clubbing.

Then we met up once in a while, he would come to my flat and chill with me. May 2005 is when I started seeing him in a different light; I still remember how panicked I was when I felt something more for him then friendship. Panicked because he was my exes mate and although me and J were mates, it felt strange to end up with him, plus I didn’t think he would go for a girl like me as he was more of a traditional guy and I am a modern girl.

Anyway I told my family about how I felt for this guy and they put it down to a crush. I always tell them about different guys I like, and then change my mind pretty much after a week! However with J my mind or heart wasn’t moving to other men who were asking me out or who I was hanging out with. I hit a low wondering how my feelings for him would go- I still wanted him as a mate, but not when I felt so differently for him.


Getting closer?

Then for various reasons I had to move away from his area.

During that time he went abroad and then I just carried on with my life, though to my surprise he kept in touch by text and good old MSN. By this time it was July/August ’05 and I had suppressed my feelings for him (although still at times wishing he’d ask me out or show a sign of liking me). When he got back from holiday mid August, we spoke online pretty much everyday.

We decided to meet on the bank holiday weekend in August, and we headed to the carnival. It was a good day, but my feelings came back and when he didn’t come to a pub quiz that night I felt slightly down.

Days went by, then one day on MSN he asked me how I knew if someone ever fancied me… I said I don’t know when guys fancy me as I don’t understand signs, and then he told me he liked me! I thought it was a joke but it wasn’t and we ended up going out, which is the best step I have taken in my life till this day.

We did have problems in the beginning, adjusting to being a mixed couple, but we passed through it and now are happy as ever.


The catch…

You must be wondering where the problem lies… Well, a month into our relationship I had to go off abroad to visit my parents for five weeks.

Before I left, I went to J’s house as his mother invited me over for dinner. His mum and dad were very nice, and so loving towards me, very welcoming so I had the feeling of acceptance.

I went off to see my parents, and whilst I was there I told them about J. Mum was very good at listening but she was a bit double minded due to different cultures. However after seeing how happy we were as a mixed couple and how in love I was she accepted it, and let me allow time to dictate my future.

I was so happy when I was coming back as I really missed J and it had been five whole weeks. When I got back, he was giving me the cold shoulder. I was upset about this and shocked, but decided just to give him time. I went to visit him three days after I got back to the country and I didn’t see the spark in his eyes for me anymore, and I just came home with an empty heart.

I wished I was with mum and dad- I had heard my mum out more then I gave her a chance to say anything.

Eventually after a lot of begging J told me why we could not be together. It was not because he didn’t love me anymore, but because his mum wouldn’t allow a Pakistani/Muslim girl into their Arab family. That hurt me the most- not the fact I wasn’t being accepted but because I saw J’s mum as my mum.

I felt when I got back from abroad, I would have J’s mum to speak to and when I needed motherly loving I could go to her for it, as she reminded me so much of my own mum.


Some things to think about

I was also angry at J- he should have known what his parents and family expected of him. I was clear from the start about how my parents would react, but I was willing to fight for it.

 Anyway in the end I didn’t think coming in between mother and son was a wise move, so I told J let’s stay friends. As a mate I advised him to make sure his next girl was an Arab girl,  as it’s peoples feelings that are being played with.

However J wouldn’t take it and said he would fight for me..

And right now that is where we stand…

I know I want a future with him, he knows he wants to have a future with me and we both have a fight to go through

Being the person I am, I am cautious that one day J will turn back, although since the last time we spoke about it he has put a lot of effort into this mixed relationship and we are happier then before…

I don’t see why culture should dictate that a mixed couple not be together. We are both Muslims, we both  belong to the same sect within Islam, so why all this fuss?

I did expect a lot from J, but still I feel I am the fighter in our relationship. I love him so much that not having him will sadden me.. I know my feelings for him are so intense + so deep that nothing will drive me away from him…

TBC!  Will continue this story when things progress!!!!!

My advice to others in this situation is fight for it, shouldn’t allow culture to dictate your future!

[Sadly M and J had to part company after this story was written. They were not able to talk his family around.]



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