MixTogether.org

Help and Support for Mixed Couples

  • Increase font size
  • Default font size
  • Decrease font size

Punjabi Jamaican mixed couple

True story of a British Punjabi/Jamaican couple, who are now engaged!

They have had their share of difficulty, but their situation is gradually improving. 

Purplepest’s story

I never thought there would be a forum or place that would warrant me writing and sharing my experience of being in a mixed relationship.  The experiences and stories I have read that are already on this site are inspiring, emotional, sad, happy…and bring to the surface the sheer rollercoaster of a ride some of us have been on.

I hope to add to these experiences and show people that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  It’s been so hard at times but the joyful and happy times I have experienced with my dear man throughout this period has been so worthwhile that it’s counteracted the pain and difficulties we’ve both suffered.  Nothing takes away the hurt, nothing will make you forget but we grow stronger with every knock-back.

I’ll start at the beginning…

I will refer to my dear man as D.  We met at a work conference – I was an exhibitor and he a delegate.  We spoke briefly and went out one evening in a large group.  We went on our merry way.  I kept in touch with one of his colleagues and D would sometimes say hi.  We spoke briefly just before Xmas 1999 and said we should meet up.  After many, many lovely telephone chats, giggles and discussions throughout early 2000, we finally arranged to meet.  He lived alone and I lived with my Mum and brother.  I’d only recently moved back after living in a house share.

May 2000…we met on a Sunday.  It was almost summer and I had a fab evening (I assume he did too!).  I stayed for ages and as I was leaving to go home, I got a call on my mobile.  My Mum.  Having an absolute hissy fit and asking where I was.  I had to lie and say I was with a female friend (which I had had to tell her when I was leaving for my ‘date’).  D walked me to my car and told me to go easy on her.  I drove home and walked into my bedroom to my Mum sitting there waiting for me.  We argued.  And left it at that.  I should have known at this point that things would only get worse…

D and I started seeing each other.  Obviously having to keep it a secret, I was often sneaking around saying I was here, there and everywhere else apart from with him, as I knew it was a complete and utter no-no for me to be with a black man.  This continued for about a year and we were happy getting to know one another and spending time together.  I fell in love.

His family were absolutely fine and I met the important people in his life, including his two sons.  I moved out of my Mums and in May 2001, bought a flat and moved into it.  Lovely.  More space, less lying and generally more calm in my life.  Family commitments still took up a lot of my time but D and I spent a lot of time together.  I knew I wanted to take this relationship further but didn’t have the guts to tell my Mum and face the music.  My Dad didn’t really play a part in my life as my parents divorced a few years prior.

Summer 2002…my Mum found out.  Or she thought she found out.  She didn’t ask me or confront me.  Previously, she’d found one of his shirts in my cupboard and possibly his shoes but didn’t bring it up.  I won’t go into detail about how she found out as it’s irrelevant but she did.  I got a message from my sister (who had no problems whatsoever re my choice of man) telling me that there were major talks going on at Mum’s house about me and my relationship and I should lay low for a while.  So I did.  I wrote my Mum a letter explaining things to her and she replied.  Her response was to say how hurt she was and how she couldn’t see me in the same light anymore and that I could do better.  We got in touch a couple of months later and I took the softly-softly approach.  I didn’t mention D although she knew I was still with him and we carried on talking and meeting sporadically.  I went over for Christmas and we argued on Boxing Day resulting in lots of crying, shouting and me walking out saying I couldn’t take anymore.  We didn’t speak until January 2004.  I kept in constant touch with my sister who struggled as she was stuck in the middle.  But she did me proud because she stuck up for me and asked Mum not to make her choose.  Mum obliged but didn’t like it.  My brother didn’t like me being with D and I think his sentiments are still the same.  But he continued communicating with me although conversations and meetings were few and far between.  The rest of my extended family (whom I loved and spent a lot of time with) also kept away.  I felt alone; I cried most days and D had to put up with a lot of emotional ranting and drama from me.  I missed my Mum so much.  And I missed my Granddad whom I saw two or three times a week prior to being temporarily disowned.  Although I was more than happy with D, I was miserable being without my family and D and I argued and it was tough on both of us.  But we pulled through.

In the meantime, D sold his flat and I sold mine and we bit the bullet and bought a house together and moved in.  A decision I am so happy I made!  We worked hard learning to live together and making our house a home.  His two boys visit often and regularly and it all felt good and ‘right’.

My Granddad fell ill in January 2004 and my sister told me.  I snuck to the hospital and waited in the canteen all day until no one was at his bedside so I could simply get a glimpse of my beloved Granddad and see him for myself.  He was unconscious.  I kept in touch with my sister throughout the week to find out how he was and finally, I got a call a week later saying I should hurry to the hospital as he was slipping away.  I missed him - he passed away by the time I got there.

Everyone was devastated.  I went and stayed with my Mum and brother and sister for the night.  We pulled together and I was consulted and involved in the funeral – which I appreciated.  D sent flowers on the day of the funeral – oranges and yellows in true Sikh style.  They were beautiful and the funeral director put them on the coffin.  I decided that that was a message from my Granddad telling me that I was OK and that he forgave me/us.

Since then, I have kept in touch with my Mum and some of my extended family.  We are slowly but surely building relations again.
Some of my extended family have behaved horribly though.  They’ve stopped talking to my Mum, me, my brother and my sister and have been and said rude things to my Mum.  They insist I’ve tainted the family name and that I shouldn’t have done what I did.  These cousins are my age and I can’t believe how ignorant and judgemental they are.  These cousins themselves dated non-Asian/Indian men in the past but have decided to go down the ‘assisted’ marriage route.  These are the people I grew up with and played with at weekends and holidays and I simply cannot understand how they can think like this.  I understand that my Mum’s generation and the elders would have problems with it but why my peers?

In July 2005, I took my Mum out for dinner.  We spent a lovely evening talking, chatting and crying.  This was a poignant day as it was the first time we talked calmly and rationally and I asked Mum to meet me halfway.  She agreed and asked what she should do.  I told her she needed to meet D but in her own time.  My Mum and D met for the first time in January 2005.  She invited us both over for dinner.  It took a while for her to get her head around it but she got there.  It was slightly awkward but Mum put on a lovely spread and gave D a gift as we left.  A breakthrough!  They’ve met a few times after that and have spoken on the phone occasionally although there’s no pressure on either of them to meet regularly.  Mum still doesn’t like it but she’s trying her best to accept the situation and come to terms with the fact that D’s here to stay.  We still have heated debates about it from time to time and she likes making a dig or two but at least we’re talking and we’re all trying to make things better.

D has written my Mum letters and sent her presents and has given her time to get used to things and even though this may give her too much room and space, it seems to be working.  She will now call the house when she needs to now (but only when she needs to (!) - she would never call me, it was always me calling her) although she hasn’t visited us yet.  This is the next hurdle.  I’m hoping she’ll visit and see us in our home soon.

June 2005, I turned 30 and had a brilliant birthday.  A week later, D and I went away on the pretence that he was taking me away for a belated birthday treat.  Two days into our mini-break, he proposed.  My sister and a couple of my good friends were all involved and had helped him choose an engagement ring.  They were all on stand-by and waiting for my call telling them my good news!  I accepted and it was an amazing and over-whelming happy time.  We are still engaged and very happy.  No plans to get wed just yet but we’ll get there!
I found out later that D had mentioned it to my Mum a few days before we went away and although she didn’t quite give him her blessing she did thank him for telling her.

We’ve been through so much to get here and after finding this website, it made me realise just how emotional and rocky the last (almost) seven years have been.  I’d parked some of the emotions and feelings at the back of my mind, as I felt so tired of it all.  I wanted to share this and tell people that it can work and it will work if you stick at it.  I know all situations are different and all families are different but if you’d have asked me what I predicted for mine and D’s future a couple of years into our relationship, I couldn’t have told you.  All I could have told you then was that I was scared out of my brain re how I would cope and how my Mum would cope when it all came out.  Back then, I didn’t want to acknowledge my situation and continued playing happy families with my Mum etc and with D.  Leading what some people would say was a double life.  I simply wanted to bury my head in the sand and not think about the inevitable.  I waited for it to come to me.  I didn’t proactively go out and do it.  It was a long journey and it’s still not over.  Everything’s out in the open now and I’m not lying anymore.  However bad things have been with my Mum, I do admire and respect the fact that she’s trying her best to accept us being together.  My actions and decisions to venture out of ‘the norm’ have not only affected me but her and my brother and sister too – the people who are supposed to be her family have completely backed away and are judging her by my life choice.  Sometimes she seems to be handling it well, sometimes not, but she’s proving to me that she’s willing to try and rebuild our relationship and slowly accept D.

I hope our story will help.  You’re not alone out there…there are people who understand and know exactly what it’s like to make such life-changing decisions.

 

I never thought there would be a forum or place that would warrant me writing and sharing my experience of being in a mixed relationship.  The experiences and stories I have read that are already on this site are inspiring, emotional, sad, happy…and bring to the surface the sheer rollercoaster of a ride some of us have been on.

I hope to add to these experiences and show people that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  It’s been so hard at times but the joyful and happy times I have experienced with my dear man throughout this period has been so worthwhile that it’s counteracted the pain and difficulties we’ve both suffered.  Nothing takes away the hurt, nothing will make you forget but we grow stronger with every knock-back.

I’ll start at the beginning…

I will refer to my dear man as D.  We met at a work conference – I was an exhibitor and he a delegate.  We spoke briefly and went out one evening in a large group.  We went on our merry way.  I kept in touch with one of his colleagues and D would sometimes say hi.  We spoke briefly just before Xmas 1999 and said we should meet up.  After many, many lovely telephone chats, giggles and discussions throughout early 2000, we finally arranged to meet.  He lived alone and I lived with my Mum and brother.  I’d only recently moved back after living in a house share.

May 2000…we met on a Sunday.  It was almost summer and I had a fab evening (I assume he did too!).  I stayed for ages and as I was leaving to go home, I got a call on my mobile.  My Mum.  Having an absolute hissy fit and asking where I was.  I had to lie and say I was with a female friend (which I had had to tell her when I was leaving for my ‘date’).  D walked me to my car and told me to go easy on her.  I drove home and walked into my bedroom to my Mum sitting there waiting for me.  We argued.  And left it at that.  I should have known at this point that things would only get worse…

D and I started seeing each other.  Obviously having to keep it a secret, I was often sneaking around saying I was here, there and everywhere else apart from with him, as I knew it was a complete and utter no-no for me to be with a black man.  This continued for about a year and we were happy getting to know one another and spending time together.  I fell in love.

His family were absolutely fine and I met the important people in his life, including his two sons.  I moved out of my Mums and in May 2001, bought a flat and moved into it.  Lovely.  More space, less lying and generally more calm in my life.  Family commitments still took up a lot of my time but D and I spent a lot of time together.  I knew I wanted to take this relationship further but didn’t have the guts to tell my Mum and face the music.  My Dad didn’t really play a part in my life as my parents divorced a few years prior.

Summer 2002…my Mum found out.  Or she thought she found out.  She didn’t ask me or confront me.  Previously, she’d found one of his shirts in my cupboard and possibly his shoes but didn’t bring it up.  I won’t go into detail about how she found out as it’s irrelevant but she did.  I got a message from my sister (who had no problems whatsoever re my choice of man) telling me that there were major talks going on at Mum’s house about me and my relationship and I should lay low for a while.  So I did.  I wrote my Mum a letter explaining things to her and she replied.  Her response was to say how hurt she was and how she couldn’t see me in the same light anymore and that I could do better.  We got in touch a couple of months later and I took the softly-softly approach.  I didn’t mention D although she knew I was still with him and we carried on talking and meeting sporadically.  I went over for Christmas and we argued on Boxing Day resulting in lots of crying, shouting and me walking out saying I couldn’t take anymore.  We didn’t speak until January 2004.  I kept in constant touch with my sister who struggled as she was stuck in the middle.  But she did me proud because she stuck up for me and asked Mum not to make her choose.  Mum obliged but didn’t like it.  My brother didn’t like me being with D and I think his sentiments are still the same.  But he continued communicating with me although conversations and meetings were few and far between.  The rest of my extended family (whom I loved and spent a lot of time with) also kept away.  I felt alone; I cried most days and D had to put up with a lot of emotional ranting and drama from me.  I missed my Mum so much.  And I missed my Granddad whom I saw two or three times a week prior to being temporarily disowned.  Although I was more than happy with D, I was miserable being without my family and D and I argued and it was tough on both of us.  But we pulled through.

In the meantime, D sold his flat and I sold mine and we bit the bullet and bought a house together and moved in.  A decision I am so happy I made!  We worked hard learning to live together and making our house a home.  His two boys visit often and regularly and it all felt good and ‘right’.

My Granddad fell ill in January 2004 and my sister told me.  I snuck to the hospital and waited in the canteen all day until no one was at his bedside so I could simply get a glimpse of my beloved Granddad and see him for myself.  He was unconscious.  I kept in touch with my sister throughout the week to find out how he was and finally, I got a call a week later saying I should hurry to the hospital as he was slipping away.  I missed him - he passed away by the time I got there.

Everyone was devastated.  I went and stayed with my Mum and brother and sister for the night.  We pulled together and I was consulted and involved in the funeral – which I appreciated.  D sent flowers on the day of the funeral – oranges and yellows in true Sikh style.  They were beautiful and the funeral director put them on the coffin.  I decided that that was a message from my Granddad telling me that I was OK and that he forgave me/us.

Since then, I have kept in touch with my Mum and some of my extended family.  We are slowly but surely building relations again.
Some of my extended family have behaved horribly though.  They’ve stopped talking to my Mum, me, my brother and my sister and have been and said rude things to my Mum.  They insist I’ve tainted the family name and that I shouldn’t have done what I did.  These cousins are my age and I can’t believe how ignorant and judgemental they are.  These cousins themselves dated non-Asian/Indian men in the past but have decided to go down the ‘assisted’ marriage route.  These are the people I grew up with and played with at weekends and holidays and I simply cannot understand how they can think like this.  I understand that my Mum’s generation and the elders would have problems with it but why my peers?

In July 2005, I took my Mum out for dinner.  We spent a lovely evening talking, chatting and crying.  This was a poignant day as it was the first time we talked calmly and rationally and I asked Mum to meet me halfway.  She agreed and asked what she should do.  I told her she needed to meet D but in her own time.  My Mum and D met for the first time in January 2005.  She invited us both over for dinner.  It took a while for her to get her head around it but she got there.  It was slightly awkward but Mum put on a lovely spread and gave D a gift as we left.  A breakthrough!  They’ve met a few times after that and have spoken on the phone occasionally although there’s no pressure on either of them to meet regularly.  Mum still doesn’t like it but she’s trying her best to accept the situation and come to terms with the fact that D’s here to stay.  We still have heated debates about it from time to time and she likes making a dig or two but at least we’re talking and we’re all trying to make things better.

D has written my Mum letters and sent her presents and has given her time to get used to things and even though this may give her too much room and space, it seems to be working.  She will now call the house when she needs to now (but only when she needs to (!) - she would never call me, it was always me calling her) although she hasn’t visited us yet.  This is the next hurdle.  I’m hoping she’ll visit and see us in our home soon.

June 2005, I turned 30 and had a brilliant birthday.  A week later, D and I went away on the pretence that he was taking me away for a belated birthday treat.  Two days into our mini-break, he proposed.  My sister and a couple of my good friends were all involved and had helped him choose an engagement ring.  They were all on stand-by and waiting for my call telling them my good news!  I accepted and it was an amazing and over-whelming happy time.  We are still engaged and very happy.  No plans to get wed just yet but we’ll get there!
I found out later that D had mentioned it to my Mum a few days before we went away and although she didn’t quite give him her blessing she did thank him for telling her.

We’ve been through so much to get here and after finding this website, it made me realise just how emotional and rocky the last (almost) seven years have been.  I’d parked some of the emotions and feelings at the back of my mind, as I felt so tired of it all.  I wanted to share this and tell people that it can work and it will work if you stick at it.  I know all situations are different and all families are different but if you’d have asked me what I predicted for mine and D’s future a couple of years into our relationship, I couldn’t have told you.  All I could have told you then was that I was scared out of my brain re how I would cope and how my Mum would cope when it all came out.  Back then, I didn’t want to acknowledge my situation and continued playing happy families with my Mum etc and with D.  Leading what some people would say was a double life.  I simply wanted to bury my head in the sand and not think about the inevitable.  I waited for it to come to me.  I didn’t proactively go out and do it.  It was a long journey and it’s still not over.  Everything’s out in the open now and I’m not lying anymore.  However bad things have been with my Mum, I do admire and respect the fact that she’s trying her best to accept us being together.  My actions and decisions to venture out of ‘the norm’ have not only affected me but her and my brother and sister too – the people who are supposed to be her family have completely backed away and are judging her by my life choice.  Sometimes she seems to be handling it well, sometimes not, but she’s proving to me that she’s willing to try and rebuild our relationship and slowly accept D.

I hope our story will help.  You’re not alone out there…there are people who understand and know exactly what it’s like to make such life-changing decisions.I never thought there would be a forum or place that would warrant me writing and sharing my experience of being in a mixed relationship.  The experiences and stories I have read that are already on this site are inspiring, emotional, sad, happy…and bring to the surface the sheer rollercoaster of a ride some of us have been on.

I hope to add to these experiences and show people that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  It’s been so hard at times but the joyful and happy times I have experienced with my dear man throughout this period has been so worthwhile that it’s counteracted the pain and difficulties we’ve both suffered.  Nothing takes away the hurt, nothing will make you forget but we grow stronger with every knock-back.

I’ll start at the beginning…

I will refer to my dear man as D.  We met at a work conference – I was an exhibitor and he a delegate.  We spoke briefly and went out one evening in a large group.  We went on our merry way.  I kept in touch with one of his colleagues and D would sometimes say hi.  We spoke briefly just before Xmas 1999 and said we should meet up.  After many, many lovely telephone chats, giggles and discussions throughout early 2000, we finally arranged to meet.  He lived alone and I lived with my Mum and brother.  I’d only recently moved back after living in a house share.

May 2000…we met on a Sunday.  It was almost summer and I had a fab evening (I assume he did too!).  I stayed for ages and as I was leaving to go home, I got a call on my mobile.  My Mum.  Having an absolute hissy fit and asking where I was.  I had to lie and say I was with a female friend (which I had had to tell her when I was leaving for my ‘date’).  D walked me to my car and told me to go easy on her.  I drove home and walked into my bedroom to my Mum sitting there waiting for me.  We argued.  And left it at that.  I should have known at this point that things would only get worse…

D and I started seeing each other.  Obviously having to keep it a secret, I was often sneaking around saying I was here, there and everywhere else apart from with him, as I knew it was a complete and utter no-no for me to be with a black man.  This continued for about a year and we were happy getting to know one another and spending time together.  I fell in love.

His family were absolutely fine and I met the important people in his life, including his two sons.  I moved out of my Mums and in May 2001, bought a flat and moved into it.  Lovely.  More space, less lying and generally more calm in my life.  Family commitments still took up a lot of my time but D and I spent a lot of time together.  I knew I wanted to take this relationship further but didn’t have the guts to tell my Mum and face the music.  My Dad didn’t really play a part in my life as my parents divorced a few years prior.

Summer 2002…my Mum found out.  Or she thought she found out.  She didn’t ask me or confront me.  Previously, she’d found one of his shirts in my cupboard and possibly his shoes but didn’t bring it up.  I won’t go into detail about how she found out as it’s irrelevant but she did.  I got a message from my sister (who had no problems whatsoever re my choice of man) telling me that there were major talks going on at Mum’s house about me and my relationship and I should lay low for a while.  So I did.  I wrote my Mum a letter explaining things to her and she replied.  Her response was to say how hurt she was and how she couldn’t see me in the same light anymore and that I could do better.  We got in touch a couple of months later and I took the softly-softly approach.  I didn’t mention D although she knew I was still with him and we carried on talking and meeting sporadically.  I went over for Christmas and we argued on Boxing Day resulting in lots of crying, shouting and me walking out saying I couldn’t take anymore.  We didn’t speak until January 2004.  I kept in constant touch with my sister who struggled as she was stuck in the middle.  But she did me proud because she stuck up for me and asked Mum not to make her choose.  Mum obliged but didn’t like it.  My brother didn’t like me being with D and I think his sentiments are still the same.  But he continued communicating with me although conversations and meetings were few and far between.  The rest of my extended family (whom I loved and spent a lot of time with) also kept away.  I felt alone; I cried most days and D had to put up with a lot of emotional ranting and drama from me.  I missed my Mum so much.  And I missed my Granddad whom I saw two or three times a week prior to being temporarily disowned.  Although I was more than happy with D, I was miserable being without my family and D and I argued and it was tough on both of us.  But we pulled through.

In the meantime, D sold his flat and I sold mine and we bit the bullet and bought a house together and moved in.  A decision I am so happy I made!  We worked hard learning to live together and making our house a home.  His two boys visit often and regularly and it all felt good and ‘right’.

My Granddad fell ill in January 2004 and my sister told me.  I snuck to the hospital and waited in the canteen all day until no one was at his bedside so I could simply get a glimpse of my beloved Granddad and see him for myself.  He was unconscious.  I kept in touch with my sister throughout the week to find out how he was and finally, I got a call a week later saying I should hurry to the hospital as he was slipping away.  I missed him - he passed away by the time I got there.

Everyone was devastated.  I went and stayed with my Mum and brother and sister for the night.  We pulled together and I was consulted and involved in the funeral – which I appreciated.  D sent flowers on the day of the funeral – oranges and yellows in true Sikh style.  They were beautiful and the funeral director put them on the coffin.  I decided that that was a message from my Granddad telling me that I was OK and that he forgave me/us.

Since then, I have kept in touch with my Mum and some of my extended family.  We are slowly but surely building relations again.
Some of my extended family have behaved horribly though.  They’ve stopped talking to my Mum, me, my brother and my sister and have been and said rude things to my Mum.  They insist I’ve tainted the family name and that I shouldn’t have done what I did.  These cousins are my age and I can’t believe how ignorant and judgemental they are.  These cousins themselves dated non-Asian/Indian men in the past but have decided to go down the ‘assisted’ marriage route.  These are the people I grew up with and played with at weekends and holidays and I simply cannot understand how they can think like this.  I understand that my Mum’s generation and the elders would have problems with it but why my peers?

In July 2005, I took my Mum out for dinner.  We spent a lovely evening talking, chatting and crying.  This was a poignant day as it was the first time we talked calmly and rationally and I asked Mum to meet me halfway.  She agreed and asked what she should do.  I told her she needed to meet D but in her own time.  My Mum and D met for the first time in January 2005.  She invited us both over for dinner.  It took a while for her to get her head around it but she got there.  It was slightly awkward but Mum put on a lovely spread and gave D a gift as we left.  A breakthrough!  They’ve met a few times after that and have spoken on the phone occasionally although there’s no pressure on either of them to meet regularly.  Mum still doesn’t like it but she’s trying her best to accept the situation and come to terms with the fact that D’s here to stay.  We still have heated debates about it from time to time and she likes making a dig or two but at least we’re talking and we’re all trying to make things better.

D has written my Mum letters and sent her presents and has given her time to get used to things and even though this may give her too much room and space, it seems to be working.  She will now call the house when she needs to now (but only when she needs to (!) - she would never call me, it was always me calling her) although she hasn’t visited us yet.  This is the next hurdle.  I’m hoping she’ll visit and see us in our home soon.

June 2005, I turned 30 and had a brilliant birthday.  A week later, D and I went away on the pretence that he was taking me away for a belated birthday treat.  Two days into our mini-break, he proposed.  My sister and a couple of my good friends were all involved and had helped him choose an engagement ring.  They were all on stand-by and waiting for my call telling them my good news!  I accepted and it was an amazing and over-whelming happy time.  We are still engaged and very happy.  No plans to get wed just yet but we’ll get there!
I found out later that D had mentioned it to my Mum a few days before we went away and although she didn’t quite give him her blessing she did thank him for telling her.

We’ve been through so much to get here and after finding this website, it made me realise just how emotional and rocky the last (almost) seven years have been.  I’d parked some of the emotions and feelings at the back of my mind, as I felt so tired of it all.  I wanted to share this and tell people that it can work and it will work if you stick at it.  I know all situations are different and all families are different but if you’d have asked me what I predicted for mine and D’s future a couple of years into our relationship, I couldn’t have told you.  All I could have told you then was that I was scared out of my brain re how I would cope and how my Mum would cope when it all came out.  Back then, I didn’t want to acknowledge my situation and continued playing happy families with my Mum etc and with D.  Leading what some people would say was a double life.  I simply wanted to bury my head in the sand and not think about the inevitable.  I waited for it to come to me.  I didn’t proactively go out and do it.  It was a long journey and it’s still not over.  Everything’s out in the open now and I’m not lying anymore.  However bad things have been with my Mum, I do admire and respect the fact that she’s trying her best to accept us being together.  My actions and decisions to venture out of ‘the norm’ have not only affected me but her and my brother and sister too – the people who are supposed to be her family have completely backed away and are judging her by my life choice.  Sometimes she seems to be handling it well, sometimes not, but she’s proving to me that she’s willing to try and rebuild our relationship and slowly accept D.

I hope our story will help.  You’re not alone out there…there are people who understand and know exactly what it’s like to make such life-changing decisions.

I never thought there would be a forum or place that would warrant me writing and sharing my experience of being in a mixed relationship.  The experiences and stories I have read that are already on this site are inspiring, emotional, sad, happy…and bring to the surface the sheer rollercoaster of a ride some of us have been on.

I hope to add to these experiences and show people that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  It’s been so hard at times but the joyful and happy times I have experienced with my dear man throughout this period has been so worthwhile that it’s counteracted the pain and difficulties we’ve both suffered.  Nothing takes away the hurt, nothing will make you forget but we grow stronger with every knock-back.

I’ll start at the beginning…

I will refer to my dear man as D.  We met at a work conference – I was an exhibitor and he a delegate.  We spoke briefly and went out one evening in a large group.  We went on our merry way.  I kept in touch with one of his colleagues and D would sometimes say hi.  We spoke briefly just before Xmas 1999 and said we should meet up.  After many, many lovely telephone chats, giggles and discussions throughout early 2000, we finally arranged to meet.  He lived alone and I lived with my Mum and brother.  I’d only recently moved back after living in a house share.

May 2000…we met on a Sunday.  It was almost summer and I had a fab evening (I assume he did too!).  I stayed for ages and as I was leaving to go home, I got a call on my mobile.  My Mum.  Having an absolute hissy fit and asking where I was.  I had to lie and say I was with a female friend (which I had had to tell her when I was leaving for my ‘date’).  D walked me to my car and told me to go easy on her.  I drove home and walked into my bedroom to my Mum sitting there waiting for me.  We argued.  And left it at that.  I should have known at this point that things would only get worse…

D and I started seeing each other.  Obviously having to keep it a secret, I was often sneaking around saying I was here, there and everywhere else apart from with him, as I knew it was a complete and utter no-no for me to be with a black man.  This continued for about a year and we were happy getting to know one another and spending time together.  I fell in love.

His family were absolutely fine and I met the important people in his life, including his two sons.  I moved out of my Mums and in May 2001, bought a flat and moved into it.  Lovely.  More space, less lying and generally more calm in my life.  Family commitments still took up a lot of my time but D and I spent a lot of time together.  I knew I wanted to take this relationship further but didn’t have the guts to tell my Mum and face the music.  My Dad didn’t really play a part in my life as my parents divorced a few years prior.

Summer 2002…my Mum found out.  Or she thought she found out.  She didn’t ask me or confront me.  Previously, she’d found one of his shirts in my cupboard and possibly his shoes but didn’t bring it up.  I won’t go into detail about how she found out as it’s irrelevant but she did.  I got a message from my sister (who had no problems whatsoever re my choice of man) telling me that there were major talks going on at Mum’s house about me and my relationship and I should lay low for a while.  So I did.  I wrote my Mum a letter explaining things to her and she replied.  Her response was to say how hurt she was and how she couldn’t see me in the same light anymore and that I could do better. 

We got in touch a couple of months later and I took the softly-softly approach.  I didn’t mention D although she knew I was still with him and we carried on talking and meeting sporadically.  I went over for Christmas and we argued on Boxing Day resulting in lots of crying, shouting and me walking out saying I couldn’t take anymore.  We didn’t speak until January 2004. 

I kept in constant touch with my sister who struggled as she was stuck in the middle.  But she did me proud because she stuck up for me and asked Mum not to make her choose.  Mum obliged but didn’t like it.  My brother didn’t like me being with D and I think his sentiments are still the same.  But he continued communicating with me although conversations and meetings were few and far between.  The rest of my extended family (whom I loved and spent a lot of time with) also kept away.  I felt alone; I cried most days and D had to put up with a lot of emotional ranting and drama from me.  I missed my Mum so much.  And I missed my Granddad whom I saw two or three times a week prior to being temporarily disowned.  Although I was more than happy with D, I was miserable being without my family and D and I argued and it was tough on both of us.  But we pulled through.

In the meantime, D sold his flat and I sold mine and we bit the bullet and bought a house together and moved in.  A decision I am so happy I made!  We worked hard learning to live together and making our house a home.  His two boys visit often and regularly and it all felt good and ‘right’.

My Granddad fell ill in January 2004 and my sister told me.  I snuck to the hospital and waited in the canteen all day until no one was at his bedside so I could simply get a glimpse of my beloved Granddad and see him for myself.  He was unconscious.  I kept in touch with my sister throughout the week to find out how he was and finally, I got a call a week later saying I should hurry to the hospital as he was slipping away.  I missed him - he passed away by the time I got there.

Everyone was devastated.  I went and stayed with my Mum and brother and sister for the night.  We pulled together and I was consulted and involved in the funeral – which I appreciated.  D sent flowers on the day of the funeral – oranges and yellows in true Sikh style.  They were beautiful and the funeral director put them on the coffin.  I decided that that was a message from my Granddad telling me that I was OK and that he forgave me/us.

Since then, I have kept in touch with my Mum and some of my extended family.  We are slowly but surely building relations again.

Some of my extended family have behaved horribly though.  They’ve stopped talking to my Mum, me, my brother and my sister and have said rude things to my Mum.  They insist I’ve tainted the family name and that I shouldn’t have done what I did.  These cousins are my age and I can’t believe how ignorant and judgemental they are.  These cousins themselves dated non-Asian/Indian men in the past but have decided to go down the ‘assisted’ marriage route.  These are the people I grew up with and played with at weekends and holidays and I simply cannot understand how they can think like this.  I understand that my Mum’s generation and the elders would have problems with it but why my peers?

In July 2005, I took my Mum out for dinner.  We spent a lovely evening talking, chatting and crying.  This was a poignant day as it was the first time we talked calmly and rationally and I asked Mum to meet me halfway.  She agreed and asked what she should do.  I told her she needed to meet D but in her own time.  My Mum and D met for the first time in January 2005.  She invited us both over for dinner.  It took a while for her to get her head around it but she got there.  It was slightly awkward but Mum put on a lovely spread and gave D a gift as we left.  A breakthrough!  They’ve met a few times after that and have spoken on the phone occasionally although there’s no pressure on either of them to meet regularly.  Mum still doesn’t like it but she’s trying her best to accept the situation and come to terms with the fact that D’s here to stay.  We still have heated debates about it from time to time and she likes making a dig or two but at least we’re talking and we’re all trying to make things better.

D has written my Mum letters and sent her presents and has given her time to get used to things and even though this may give her too much room and space, it seems to be working.  She will now call the house when she needs to (but only when she needs to! - she would never call me, it was always me calling her) although she hasn’t visited us yet.  This is the next hurdle.  I’m hoping she’ll visit and see us in our home soon.

June 2005, I turned 30 and had a brilliant birthday.  A week later, D and I went away on the pretence that he was taking me away for a belated birthday treat.  Two days into our mini-break, he proposed.  My sister and a couple of my good friends were all involved and had helped him choose an engagement ring.  They were all on stand-by and waiting for my call telling them my good news!  I accepted and it was an amazing and over-whelming happy time.  We are still engaged and very happy.  No plans to get wed just yet but we’ll get there!
I found out later that D had mentioned it to my Mum a few days before we went away and although she didn’t quite give him her blessing she did thank him for telling her.

We’ve been through so much to get here and after finding this website, it made me realise just how emotional and rocky the last (almost) seven years have been.  I’d parked some of the emotions and feelings at the back of my mind, as I felt so tired of it all.  I wanted to share this and tell people that it can work and it will work if you stick at it.  I know all situations are different and all families are different but if you’d have asked me what I predicted for mine and D’s future a couple of years into our relationship, I couldn’t have told you.  All I could have told you then was that I was scared out of my brain re how I would cope and how my Mum would cope when it all came out. 

Back then, I didn’t want to acknowledge my situation and continued playing happy families with my Mum etc and with D.  Leading what some people would say was a double life.  I simply wanted to bury my head in the sand and not think about the inevitable.  I waited for it to come to me.  I didn’t proactively go out and do it.  It was a long journey and it’s still not over.  Everything’s out in the open now and I’m not lying anymore.  However bad things have been with my Mum, I do admire and respect the fact that she’s trying her best to accept us being together.  My actions and decisions to venture out of ‘the norm’ have not only affected me but her and my brother and sister too – the people who are supposed to be her family have completely backed away and are judging her by my life choice.  Sometimes she seems to be handling it well, sometimes not, but she’s proving to me that she’s willing to try and rebuild our relationship and slowly accept D.

I hope our story will help.  You’re not alone out there…there are people who understand and know exactly what it’s like to make such life-changing decisions.

 

Join MixTogether

If you have experienced any of these issues, join the secure MixTogether Forum today and meet new friends who understand exactly where you are coming from. Click here for more info.

Follow Us On Twitter:

The MixTogether Team are on Twitter! 

 Click the image to follow us, or add us @MixTogetherTeam!